I've had all the symptoms all month: voracious appetite, larger breasts (or so I thought), fatigue, late cycle. The only one that was missing was nausea and I probably could have feigned that symptom too. I was so convinced that I was pregnant that I began planning ahead so that if I was pregnant again I could be mentally prepared for it. Because I am not READY to be pregnant again. I've even been very fastidious about taking the pill, which is something I'm usually nonchalant about.
The little blue line on the little white stick, however, said I have nothing to worry about. If that little blue line on that little white stick had been a person, I would have kissed it so hard. It's not that I don't want to have another baby, but another baby now might push me over the edge. Talk about a close call.
Here are a few reasons why I'm not ready, not to mention the lack of sleep a newborn brings with it.
I was having a fantastic chat session with a friend of mine (and another mom) the other night. We were discussing, among other things, what I call the sick joke of motherhood. Here's what people tell you about being pregnant, giving birth, and having children:
1) Being pregnant is hard, but it's worth it in the end. You can eat whatever you want and people will look at you and say "awww, how nice" because you are procreating.
2) Giving birth is like a gift. It hurts, but in the end you'll have a cute little baby to love and snuggle.
3) Motherhood has it's challenges, but in the end, children are a blessing, cute, full of life, etc.
While all of these are true, they only represent half the truth. Yes, in the end everything is "worth it." But here are the not-so-nice aspects of going through the parenting process:
1) Being pregnant is the equivalent of climbing a mountain every day. The first trimester sucks because the fatigue is enough to kick you on your ass. Not to mention the morning sickness. And the "awww, how nice" thoughts give way to, that woman is enormous - how does she stand up without immediately falling over. Plus, no one likes to look at a bloated lady with an enormous stomach (particularly the pregnant woman herself.
2) Birthing is a magical, lovely process. Although, when the baby moves through the birth canal and through your va-hay-hay it burns. It burns BAD! The contractions aren't so pleasant either. Nor are the pains post-pregnancy of trying to pee, poop, or any other normal human function.
3) Motherhood is infinitely rewarding. Benny lights up my life everyday. But, see the previous post. Also, no one REALLY tells you how being pregnant RAVAGES your body. And when I say "ravage" I mean messes you up forever!
In the end, it is worth it. But I haven't gotten to the end yet and I could not handle another pregnancy right now.
28 May 2008
A Different Kind of Bear
Benny has been putting a new meaning in his name, Bear, lately. By new meaning I mean he's being difficult. I'm not sure if it's because he's frustrated that he can't transport himself by walking exclusively (although he's getting much better) or if it's because he's getting some new teeth in. No matter, he has not been what I would call an easy baby this week. He's been pickier about what he eats (and by that, I mean he's been spitting a lot of his food out), he cries when he's not walking, then he cries when he does, he rubs his face like he's tired all day. I love the Bear but these past few days have worn me out!
In some more positive news, I'm nearly finished with the "data collection" phase of the dissertation process. I'm sure I'll run into a few snags during the analysis process, but I only have about one more year of time to scan and then I'm DONE! Speaking of, I left my different kind of Bear with papa for the evening and I"m supposed to be working. I best get to it!
In some more positive news, I'm nearly finished with the "data collection" phase of the dissertation process. I'm sure I'll run into a few snags during the analysis process, but I only have about one more year of time to scan and then I'm DONE! Speaking of, I left my different kind of Bear with papa for the evening and I"m supposed to be working. I best get to it!
27 May 2008
A Case of the Not-So-Crazies
So, here's the sixth and final post about my postpartum depression experience. I figured it's about time. I haven't had any problems with postpartum depression since mid-January. I stopped taking my medication in March. I stopped going to support group two weeks ago. In short, I've been "normal" for some time. Not that anything goes back to normal after having a child, but you know what I mean.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I attended support group meetings with other moms who have experienced postpartum depression. These meetings were more helpful than I ever could have imagined. By the time I started attending meetings in Denver, things were improving - not just with my mental state, but with life in general.
We moved out of the Wacky Shack without a penalty. We may have stretched the truth a little to get out of our lease. OK, so we outright lied, but we could not live there any more! I stressed about our move to Denver. It was a big deal - especially considering my mental state! I didn't know how Benny would ride in the car for five to six hours a day or how he would sleep in a hotel bed. He was amazing on all accounts. And, it helped to have my mom with me. We stayed with my great aunt and uncle while we looked for a place to live in Denver. They were life savers. They cooked for us, made us feel very welcome, and fell in love with Benny. I think they were disappointed that we found an apartment so quickly.
Four days after we moved into our new apartment Benny started sleeping through the night. He went from waking up three times a night to no times a night in less than a month. Perhaps giving him formula and his own room helped. Whatever it was, it was fabulous to have a full night's sleep again!
Denver is a great city. It's close to the mountains and close to my family. Everything went from overwhelming in Austin to completely manageable (and even enjoyable) in Denver.
So, by Christmas, things were returning to normal. We settled into our new apartment, we drove to Iowa for a pre-Christmas celebration, and we returned to Denver to start the new year with a fresh start. But, those support group meetings gave me something to do every week. And, the women there were so supportive (no surprise).
There you have it. My entire journey through some serious mental agony to the present. Although I'm terrified of going through this again when I have another baby, I now know what to look for. As another mom told me, I'm entering the battle with a full set of armor.
As I mentioned in my previous post, I attended support group meetings with other moms who have experienced postpartum depression. These meetings were more helpful than I ever could have imagined. By the time I started attending meetings in Denver, things were improving - not just with my mental state, but with life in general.
We moved out of the Wacky Shack without a penalty. We may have stretched the truth a little to get out of our lease. OK, so we outright lied, but we could not live there any more! I stressed about our move to Denver. It was a big deal - especially considering my mental state! I didn't know how Benny would ride in the car for five to six hours a day or how he would sleep in a hotel bed. He was amazing on all accounts. And, it helped to have my mom with me. We stayed with my great aunt and uncle while we looked for a place to live in Denver. They were life savers. They cooked for us, made us feel very welcome, and fell in love with Benny. I think they were disappointed that we found an apartment so quickly.
Four days after we moved into our new apartment Benny started sleeping through the night. He went from waking up three times a night to no times a night in less than a month. Perhaps giving him formula and his own room helped. Whatever it was, it was fabulous to have a full night's sleep again!
Denver is a great city. It's close to the mountains and close to my family. Everything went from overwhelming in Austin to completely manageable (and even enjoyable) in Denver.
So, by Christmas, things were returning to normal. We settled into our new apartment, we drove to Iowa for a pre-Christmas celebration, and we returned to Denver to start the new year with a fresh start. But, those support group meetings gave me something to do every week. And, the women there were so supportive (no surprise).
There you have it. My entire journey through some serious mental agony to the present. Although I'm terrified of going through this again when I have another baby, I now know what to look for. As another mom told me, I'm entering the battle with a full set of armor.
22 May 2008
A Small Step for Man
But a HUGE step for bear-kind! Benny took his first steps last night. He was hanging on to some keys and just walked and walked and walked. OK, maybe he didn't master walking in one night, but he did walk quite a bit. We have it on video. Check it out on my links. So far, he hasn't repeated the feat today, but we'll work on it.
Oh, my little bear is growing up!
Oh, my little bear is growing up!
21 May 2008
Stuff from All Over
DISSERTATION: DATA-GATHERING PHASE
Good news, faithful reader... The data-gathering phase of the dissertation process is nearing completion. I only have about two more years to scan in Time magazine and then I'll scan The Nation and National Review, which won't be nearly as time consuming because they are monthly, not weekly, publications. So far I have a stack of copies sitting on my kitchen table. At least that's something!
THE BEAR
My little bear is now standing by himself for minutes, not seconds, at a time. He takes little baby steps once in awhile. They are more like baby shuffles, but he's getting there. Last night Nate put Benny down at 7:30. He still wasn't asleep at 8:30, so I went in his room to check on him. I was greeted simultaneously by an enormous smile and the stench of a diaper full of poo. I can't say that Benny was excited to see me. He was probably just excited to see me because it meant that he wouldn't have to sit in his dirty diaper any more. It's gotta be rough being a 10 month old!
Once the diaper-changing duties were completed, I carried Benny to the living room to say goodnight to his papa. He smiled, and smiled, and smiled. So, we had him hang out with us. And he was a treat! He held on to my hand and walked circles around me for at least 10 minutes while screeching with pleasure. Then I put him in bed and he passed out less than five minutes in his crib.
BABY FOOD
Because I stopped breastfeeding so early and still feel guilty about it I'm trying to make sure that Benny only gets the best possible solid food. I make most everything he eats. And, after sampling stuff from the jar and the stuff I make, I have to admit, my stuff is far superior. It tastes fresh and yummy. Nate and I were discussing our favorite Benny meals. My all-time favorite is asparagus and carrots with a bit of whole grain cereal mixed in. It's so delightful that I save a spoonful for the end of the meal so I can taste it. Nate combined mango and avocado last night and raved about the meddling of flavors.
It's no wonder Benny is so chubby!!!
Good news, faithful reader... The data-gathering phase of the dissertation process is nearing completion. I only have about two more years to scan in Time magazine and then I'll scan The Nation and National Review, which won't be nearly as time consuming because they are monthly, not weekly, publications. So far I have a stack of copies sitting on my kitchen table. At least that's something!
THE BEAR
My little bear is now standing by himself for minutes, not seconds, at a time. He takes little baby steps once in awhile. They are more like baby shuffles, but he's getting there. Last night Nate put Benny down at 7:30. He still wasn't asleep at 8:30, so I went in his room to check on him. I was greeted simultaneously by an enormous smile and the stench of a diaper full of poo. I can't say that Benny was excited to see me. He was probably just excited to see me because it meant that he wouldn't have to sit in his dirty diaper any more. It's gotta be rough being a 10 month old!
Once the diaper-changing duties were completed, I carried Benny to the living room to say goodnight to his papa. He smiled, and smiled, and smiled. So, we had him hang out with us. And he was a treat! He held on to my hand and walked circles around me for at least 10 minutes while screeching with pleasure. Then I put him in bed and he passed out less than five minutes in his crib.
BABY FOOD
Because I stopped breastfeeding so early and still feel guilty about it I'm trying to make sure that Benny only gets the best possible solid food. I make most everything he eats. And, after sampling stuff from the jar and the stuff I make, I have to admit, my stuff is far superior. It tastes fresh and yummy. Nate and I were discussing our favorite Benny meals. My all-time favorite is asparagus and carrots with a bit of whole grain cereal mixed in. It's so delightful that I save a spoonful for the end of the meal so I can taste it. Nate combined mango and avocado last night and raved about the meddling of flavors.
It's no wonder Benny is so chubby!!!
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